“Truly, truly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” – John 12:24
For some of my friends who know my story, they know that it’s been a tumultuous journey to say the least. Growing up with physical, verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse prevalent in my childhood to adulthood did something to me; to my soul. The utter destruction of a child’s soul is this – when there is no parent with love to hug the child in joy and sadness, when there is no grace abounding when you spill milk because the gallon of milk was too heavy for you to carry, when there is no mom or dad waiting at home with open arms to ask you about how your day at school was, when they are not there to ask if you need help on your homework, when your good intentions are constantly in question, and worst of all, when you start believing your worth is not worth much at all.
That is a very slight glimpse into my childhood. I remember chaos. I remember trauma. I remember death. Death to my voice being heard, death to my worth, death to my confidence. But very recently the Lord asked if I remember life. The happiest I have ever been has been only the few recent years of my life when God made it known to me that all my life “he drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.” (Psalm 40:2-3) Those verses are the song my spirit sings every morning. I can’t contain how good God is. How he’s rescued me over and over and over again. He’s called me to do the same with the poor, and the needy, and the weak. It’s my honor to serve the God, my Daddy, who has kept me alive and safe until this very day!
God gave me a vision before coming to Mexico City. He showed me that I will be like Jane from Tarzan taking as many notes as I can and soaking in the environment, sharpening my spiritual gifts, but most of all receiving a deeper level of healing. I realize my heart and eyes burn for the Lord’s justice. Unfortunately, until I know complete life and resurrection, that scale will always be off balanced. Justice to the Lord is two parts: holy anger at seeing the destruction of his children in captive to the enemy but also seeing the captors through his eyes of mercy and grace. I realized that the Lord’s throne is founded on two strong pilars. The one is Justice and the other Righteousness. But Mercy and Truth walk BEFORE him as his attendants (Psalm 8:14).
I understand death, but I want to fully understand life. The Lord has heard my prayers for many years of asking him to heal me deeper from the destruction of my past. My deepest desire is to understand what it means to hold God’s tears but also hold his joy and from that overflow, He can do something in me and through my life.
It’s been such an honor staying with Benny and Janice (the missionaries) in Mexico City. They’re such an answered prayer for me! I’ve been asking the Lord to teach me what it looks like to hold his tears and his joy and they are the prime example of that. Benny has this amazing heart for justice and to set the captives free. He is a man full of life, passion, vision, and love. Janice is the epitome of the Proverbs 31 woman (which I will be blogging about in the near future). Her heart is so abandoned and in love with the Lord. She has similar spiritual giftings as me and it’s so amazing to be able to shadow her and ask her questions right on the spot. She is definitely an answered prayer as I remember asking God for so much clarity and guidance with certain experiences. Being in the field with this power couple and having full access to their love, experiences, failures, successes, revelations, and wisdom is opening my eyes to a new dimension of how God works. It’s also such a breath of fresh air to be around a couple who are so in love with God, with each other, and work so incredibly well in ministry together. I believe that an amazing marriage starts with friendship. They are not only great ministry partners, but they are great friends! This family definitely has uncion (Spanish for anointing) and God’s favor! Being around a family who exemplifies God’s design of how a family structure works gives me hope for my future family.
Learning to die and to live and seeing that in full effect with Benny, Janice, and the El Pozo de Vida team has been life giving and humbling. I love them so much and am enjoying my journey of healing and greater intimacy with God here in Mexico City.