A friend recently asked me how Jason and I came to actually get married. For those of you who know us, we’ve dated for 7 years and most of those years, we were living in complete and utter darkness. That part of our testimony I’ll share at a later time. Here’s what I responded with:
I met a prophet whom my sister knew and trusted very much, and when I first met him, he told me things only God and I knew. Like the times I wanted to kill myself when I was getting abused by my mom (my mom and my relationship has been redeemed since then! She is really great!) and he went into great detail. But for about a year before I met him and I was dating Jason, I felt in my heart that we were supposed to break up. Not because I didn’t love Jason or he didn’t love me, but because we became complete idols to each other. As you probably already know, Jason and I didn’t get together in the most honorable way. We hurt a lot of people in the process and probably deserved a lot of the hate and anger that came to us. We truly felt like we were wearing a scarlet letter with people we knew at that time. We isolated ourselves and had a “we need to work out no matter what” attitude.
As I personally grew with the Lord and had crazy encounters with Him, I realized that Jason and my relationship was the hardest thing I could surrender to the Lord. So by the time the prophet said that to me, I already knew in my heart that we needed to break up. Another thing he told me was that my future husband was praying for me and that his prayers were hitting me right now because God is not bound by time. That always stuck with me.
So Jason and I had a talk and he was INSANELY calm and he agreed that we were idols to each other (which really was the grace of God). Jason and I mutually agreed that we would break up because this was what God wanted and we had no intention of getting back together in the future. I took a whole month to quit my job, gather my stuff, and move out to Azusa (living in Susanna and Paul’s living room).
I had a very strange peace about everything. My heart felt like it was literally saran wrapped with peace and grace. For the next 4 months, I met new friends who encouraged me to do Circuit Riders through YWAM and I worked on my relationship with the Lord. I felt so much freedom and grew in intimacy with the Lord. The strange part was that every time I closed my eyes to pray, I saw visions of Jason. He was really broken and crying. God lead me to pray for him. In a specific vision, I saw an angel of the Lord above Jason and knew that God was taking care of him. I decided to call him one day because in another vision he was bawling and I wanted to make sure he was okay. He was telling me that due to the break up, he was faced to actually choose God or keep going on the path of partying, drinking, and destruction. When he faced those two paths, he very deliberately chose God. When we were dating before and I was growing with the Lord, in my immaturity, I tried to convince him that God was real in the way I experienced him. My spiritual eyes were open to the works of the Holy Spirit and because Jason was always so doubtful, I tried to force him to believe things (my intentions were good but my maturity with the Lord and faith in him was so small at that time). In hindsight, I know that the Lord broke us up because he needed to work in my heart but more importantly, Jason needed to know that he was choosing Jesus because of his own will, not because I was forcing him to.
Going back to the story, when Jason and I talked after 4 months of silence, Jason told me how he chose the Lord and realized he wasn’t leading a relationship pleasing to the Lord. He told me he was praying for me every day (he still does 🙂 ). He said if we got together, he would lead me and love me in the way Jesus designed a relationship to be. So we decided to fast and pray for a week about it. After a week of praying, both of us felt an overwhelming amount of peace to give it another try. So we decided to get together and do it the right way — with God as the center. It truly felt like a new relationship. Jason put in a lot of effort to pursue me the way Jesus wanted all the while pursing God, too. I kept seeing a change in him and in my own heart. To be honest, I had many doubts even during that time because I was thinking, “God, you told us to break up. Is this why? Is it so that Jason would choose you with his own will?” And He responded to me. He said, “Do you remember all those prayers you sowed into him for all those years? Prayers of him loving me and being completely abandoned for me? I searched his heart and knew that that was his desire, too.”
I know it sounds kind of crazy but breaking up was the most pivotal and important decision we would both make. We were able to surrender our “god” and declare that only Jesus could take that place. I realize now that that’s what God wanted in the end. It wasn’t about Him choosing a specific spouse for us (which he can definitely do in some cases) but he knew that in our hearts, we both genuinely loved each other — we just didn’t know how to get to the healthy place He wanted for us. As you know, we’re married now and really, really, really happy. God is so good! I feel his love for Jason and me as partners and individuals every day. I have so much confidence in knowing that Jason intentionally pursues Jesus and me. We don’t take each other for granted. We also have a confidence in knowing that we are battle proven. No matter what Satan throws at us, we can weather that storm because we’ve been through crazier circumstances in the past and overcame them with Jesus.
I’m always so blown away by Jesus and his unconditional and infinite love. We definitely don’t deserve it, but his heart is to love all of us with such unstoppable love, favor, and grace. So it seems, I can never stop praising God because I know in my heart I can be evil, but he called out the best in us and even gave us the grace to step out into that truth.
I hope this answers your question! But please don’t ever hesitate to ask! It’s a testimony because the very essence of testimony is that God will do it again.