The Journey of a Kang and Queen

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A friend recently asked me how Jason and I came to actually get married. For those of you who know us, we’ve dated for 7 years and most of those years, we were living in complete and utter darkness. That part of our testimony I’ll share at a later time. Here’s what I responded with:

I met a prophet whom my sister knew and trusted very much, and when I first met him, he told me things only God and I knew. Like the times I wanted to kill myself when I was getting abused by my mom (my mom and my relationship has been redeemed since then! She is really great!) and he went into great detail. But for about a year before I met him and I was dating Jason, I felt in my heart that we were supposed to break up. Not because I didn’t love Jason or he didn’t love me, but because we became complete idols to each other. As you probably already know, Jason and I didn’t get together in the most honorable way. We hurt a lot of people in the process and probably deserved a lot of the hate and anger that came to us. We truly felt like we were wearing a scarlet letter with people we knew at that time. We isolated ourselves and had a “we need to work out no matter what” attitude.

As I personally grew with the Lord and had crazy encounters with Him, I realized that Jason and my relationship was the hardest thing I could surrender to the Lord. So by the time the prophet said that to me, I already knew in my heart that we needed to break up. Another thing he told me was that my future husband was praying for me and that his prayers were hitting me right now because God is not bound by time. That always stuck with me.

So Jason and I had a talk and he was INSANELY calm and he agreed that we were idols to each other (which really was the grace of God). Jason and I mutually agreed that we would break up because this was what God wanted and we had no intention of getting back together in the future. I took a whole month to quit my job, gather my stuff, and move out to Azusa (living in Susanna and Paul’s living room).

I had a very strange peace about everything. My heart felt like it was literally saran wrapped with peace and grace. For the next 4 months, I met new friends who encouraged me to do Circuit Riders through YWAM and I worked on my relationship with the Lord. I felt so much freedom and grew in intimacy with the Lord. The strange part was that every time I closed my eyes to pray, I saw visions of Jason. He was really broken and crying. God lead me to pray for him. In a specific vision, I saw an angel of the Lord above Jason and knew that God was taking care of him. I decided to call him one day because in another vision he was bawling and I wanted to make sure he was okay. He was telling me that due to the break up, he was faced to actually choose God or keep going on the path of partying, drinking, and destruction. When he faced those two paths, he very deliberately chose God. When we were dating before and I was growing with the Lord, in my immaturity, I tried to convince him that God was real in the way I experienced him. My spiritual eyes were open to the works of the Holy Spirit and because Jason was always so doubtful, I tried to force him to believe things (my intentions were good but my maturity with the Lord and faith in him was so small at that time). In hindsight, I know that the Lord broke us up because he needed to work in my heart but more importantly, Jason needed to know that he was choosing Jesus because of his own will, not because I was forcing him to.

Going back to the story, when Jason and I talked after 4 months of silence, Jason told me how he chose the Lord and realized he wasn’t leading a relationship pleasing to the Lord. He told me he was praying for me every day (he still does ūüôā ). He said if we got together, he would lead me and love me in the way Jesus designed a relationship to be. So we decided to fast and pray for a week about it. After a week of praying, both of us felt an overwhelming amount of peace to give it another try. So we decided to get together and do it the right way — with God as the center. It truly felt like a new relationship. Jason put in a lot of effort to pursue me the way Jesus wanted all the while pursing God, too. I kept seeing a change in him and in my own heart. To be honest, I had many doubts even during that time because I was thinking, “God, you told us to break up. Is this why? Is it so that Jason would choose you with his own will?” And He responded to me. He said, “Do you remember all those prayers you sowed into him for all those years? Prayers of him loving me and being completely abandoned for me? I searched his heart and knew that that was his desire, too.”

I know it sounds kind of crazy but breaking up was the most pivotal and important decision we would both make. We were able to surrender our “god” and declare that only Jesus could take that place. I realize now that that’s what God wanted in the end. It wasn’t about Him choosing a specific spouse for us (which he can definitely do in some cases) but he knew that in our hearts, we both genuinely loved each other — we just didn’t know how to get to the healthy place He wanted for us. As you know, we’re married now and really, really, really happy. God is so good! I feel his love for Jason and me as partners and individuals every day. I have so much confidence in knowing that Jason intentionally pursues Jesus and me. We don’t take each other for granted. We also have a confidence in knowing that we are battle proven. No matter what Satan throws at us, we can weather that storm because we’ve been through crazier circumstances in the past and overcame them with Jesus.

I’m always so blown away by Jesus and his unconditional and infinite love. We definitely don’t deserve it, but his heart is to love all of us with such unstoppable love, favor, and grace. So it seems, I can never stop praising God because I know in my heart I can be evil, but he called out the best in us and even gave us the grace to step out into that truth.

I hope this answers your question! But please don’t ever hesitate to ask! It’s a testimony because the very essence of testimony is that God will do it again.

Thinking Twice About The Path of Least Resistance

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Sometimes the path of least resistance in our lives isn’t the right path for us. That path can look smooth and it can even look like the natural progression to the “next stage” in life. “I should go for that career with the higher salary” or “I should probably get married and have kids soon.” All those things are wonderful and I have no objections to those dreams whatsoever. But what if¬†sometimes¬†that path of expectation and “normalcy” that society, culture, and family puts on us is the wrong path? We are deep and complex beings with many desires and dreams. We were created with them and created for them. Explore the desires in your heart. What makes your heart sing? What makes you thrive? What energizes you? I often find that there is an intense resistance before the birth of a great dream. The resistance only confirms that we are on the right path because there is a whole spiritual world out there afraid that we will operate in our full authority, our full identity, and our full calling.

Sometimes the Lord’s path for our lives can look rugged and illogical. But it’s in that process of walking with Him in the lowest valley where we’ll¬†be able to¬†reach the highest peak, shining His glory because we were able to¬†trust in Him. Trust the process and find joy in it. Where there is winter, spring is around the corner.

New Every Morning

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“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every¬†morning; great is your faithfulness” – Lamentations 3:22-23

It stuns me that God’s mercies are new every morning. Every single morning we have NEW mercies freely given by God! When God says new, it means something entirely different from our definition of new. Just like in Revelations it talks about the four living creatures with six wings and eyes all around and within, and day and night they NEVER cease to say, “Holy, holy, holy, is The Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come!” (Revelations 4:8). The four angels are in the perfect presence of God and are receiving NEW revelations of God every second. A download of an entirely different revelation and dimension of his love and of his goodness, every second for eternity long. They can’t cease to praise Him and aren’t even able to look at Him due to His imminent glory. Even typing this makes me want to burst. My physical mind and body can’t comprehend how good, how deep, how wide, how long, how great his love is and we’ll get to learn this for eternity long.

I’m realizing more and more that my stay in Mexico City is multi-layered and multi-dimensional. I’m getting the best spiritual and physical rest I’ve ever had in years. I strongly believe this is true because Benny and Janice’s home is heavily anointed with healing and saturated with the Lord’s peace. I am receiving intense healing as well as cutting soul ties made from past relationships. I recently cut a soul tie (I thought I cut over a year ago) made with someone I believed I loved back in high school. I’ve been haunted with dreams of that person for many years all the way up until I cut the soul tie a couple days ago. That period of time in my life was definitely one of the darkest times whether it was home life or social life. I made so many inner vows, living in this fantasy dream world I created to escape the reality of depression, pain, hopelessness, and darkness. Korean dramas didn’t help (haha – but seriously). I also realize after my session with Janice that cutting a soul tie is so much deeper and heavily layered than I thought. I even rescued back the part of my heart I lost in that experience and also the butterfly feelings I left back there many years ago! As I was renouncing all the lies and curses, I literally felt a lift of all that heaviness that was on me all these years and was restored with Jesus’ joy, peace, and hope. I have always been a believer and advocate of inner healing, but after the past couple sessions with Janice, I believe everyone should get it. We all have some sort of hurt or affliction we’ve faced at a certain point in our lives. We even have hurts that we’ve forgotten about. It’s so important to give it to The Lord. It’s His burden to carry any way. He even wants the pain.

I’ve had the honor of being Janice’s shadow here. She has gotten permission from all the girls at the Well for me to sit in on their inner healing sessions. But before I get into that, let me introduce you to Janice. She is one of the most gifted, humble, God fearing, God loving women I’ve had the utmost honor of meeting. She is really abandoned for Him and embodies the Proverbs 31 woman. Like really. Janice and her husband were called as missionaries here to open up the Well – a safe house for trafficked victims eight years ago. She is so content with what she has and finds joy in the smallest things. She was designed to do hard work in the trenches. Because the Holy Spirit moves so powerfully through her, it keeps her humble. There’s no formula to follow for these inner healing sessions. For each session and each girl, God says something entirely different. Being her shadow these past couple weeks have taught me so much more than what I’ve learned in the past couple years. She is such an answer to my prayers and to all the questions I’ve been asking the Lord for many years. Being able to partner with Janice in these sessions have sharpened my spiritual gifts as we would confirm each other’s revelations or see different revelations the Lord wants to bring freedom to in that girl’s life. The inner healing sessions has increased my faith in the Lord as well as humbled me. I’ve learned that EVERY act requires faith and humility ushers in the Spirit.

Although the average person may have around 6 critical areas from their life to heal from, the average list for these girls is about 40. They have been severely broken from a familial, spiritual, and physical level. Their stories are so tragic with some of them being sold into slavery by their very own parents out of greed for money or some of them falling into deception when a pimp paints a better life for them and pulls them out of a small village with a promise of a great job waiting for them. Some pimps even impregnate the girls telling them that they’re their husbands. They will then use the child as ransom and make them sell their bodies or else their child’s life will be in danger. I can go on and on with tragic stories. But amongst the tragedy, I see new mercies for these girls. I see Him restoring their identity, their worth, and their dreams. Seeing Jesus work so gently with them and seeing the courage these girls have (beaten but not defeated) just fuels my heart all the more to chase after God. I am so jealous for these girls. The theme song for this trip has been this:

Come away with me, come away with me
It’s not too late; it’s never too late for you
I (God) have a plan for you; I have a plan for you
It’s going to be wild! It’s going to be great! It’s going to be full of me!
Open up your heart and let me in

My heart sings this song over these girls, the pimps, and the johns. I want them to come away with Jesus. The Healer, The Protector, The Messiah, The Truth, The Life, The Bridegroom, The Provider, The Sanctuary, The Redeemer, The Good Shepard, The Great I Am, The King of Kings, The Lord of Hosts, The Holy One, The Bright and Morning Star…

It’s never too late. His mercies are NEW EVERY morning.

Death and Resurection

clouds-808748_1280“Truly, truly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” – John 12:24

For some of my friends who know my story, they know that it’s been a tumultuous journey to say the least. Growing up with physical, verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse prevalent in my childhood to adulthood did something to me; to my soul. The utter destruction of a child’s soul is this – when there is no parent with love to hug the child in joy and sadness, when there is no grace abounding when you spill milk because the gallon of milk was too heavy for you to carry, when there is no mom or dad waiting at home with open arms to ask you about how your day at school was, when they are not there to ask if you need help on your homework, when your good intentions are constantly in question, and worst of all, when you start believing your worth is not worth much at all.

That is a very slight glimpse into my childhood. I remember chaos. I remember trauma. I remember death. Death to my voice being heard, death to my worth, death to my confidence. But very recently the Lord asked if I remember life. The happiest I have ever been has been only the few recent years of my life when God made it known to me that all my life “he drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.” (Psalm 40:2-3) Those verses are the song my spirit sings every morning. I can’t contain how good God is. How he’s rescued me over and over and over again. He’s called me to do the same with the poor, and the needy, and the weak. It’s my honor to serve the God, my Daddy, who has kept me alive and safe until this very day!

God gave me a vision before coming to Mexico City. He showed me that I will be like Jane from Tarzan taking as many notes as I can and soaking in the environment, sharpening my spiritual gifts, but most of all receiving a deeper level of healing. I realize my heart and eyes burn for the Lord’s justice. Unfortunately, until I know complete life and resurrection, that scale will always be off balanced. Justice to the Lord is two parts: holy anger at seeing the destruction of his children in captive to the enemy but also seeing the captors through his eyes of mercy and grace. I realized that the Lord’s throne is founded on two strong pilars. The one is Justice and the other Righteousness. But Mercy and Truth walk BEFORE him as his attendants (Psalm 8:14).

I understand death, but I want to fully understand life. The Lord has heard my prayers for many years of asking him to heal me deeper from the destruction of my past. My deepest desire is to understand what it means to hold God’s tears but also hold his joy and from that overflow, He can do something in me and through my life.

It’s been such an honor staying with Benny and Janice (the missionaries) in Mexico City. They’re such an answered prayer for me! I’ve been asking the Lord to teach me what it looks like to hold his tears and his joy and they are the prime example of that. Benny has this amazing heart for justice and to set the captives free. He is a man full of life, passion, vision, and love. Janice is the epitome of the Proverbs 31 woman (which I will be blogging about in the near future). Her heart is so abandoned and in love with the Lord. She has similar spiritual giftings as me and it’s so amazing to be able to shadow her and ask her questions right on the spot. She is definitely an answered prayer as I remember asking God for so much clarity and guidance with certain experiences. Being in the field with this power couple and having full access to their love, experiences, failures, successes, revelations, and wisdom is opening my eyes to a new dimension of how God works. It’s also such a breath of fresh air to be around a couple who are so in love with God, with each other, and work so incredibly well in ministry together. I believe that an amazing marriage starts with friendship. They are not only great ministry partners, but they are great friends! This family definitely has uncion (Spanish for anointing) and God’s favor! Being around a family who exemplifies God’s design of how a family structure works gives me hope for my future family.

Learning to die and to live and seeing that in full effect with Benny, Janice, and the El Pozo de Vida team has been life giving and humbling. I love them so much and am enjoying my journey of healing and greater intimacy with God here in Mexico City.

Beautiful Things

“God designed your life for the purpose of making it beautiful”

Before I start updating about this amazing journey so far, I just really have to express my deepest gratitude to my brothers and sisters who have and continue to support me. Thank you for every single prayer as I seriously feel it shielding me, lifting me up, guiding me, but most of all, I feel the love! Thank you. To my brothers and sisters who have been and are continuing to support me financially, thank you as well! None of this would be possible without your partnership. I’m just so blown away by the family of God.

The past couple days have been life changing. I came down to Mexico City with a team from Newsong. The team consisted of 13 people and the plan was that they stay for 5 days and I stay for a month. The past 5 days with the team and with Benny and Janice (the missionaries here) have been the definition of Philippians 2. Complete unity and humility exemplified in each member of the team:

“So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by being obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”

On one of the nights we had the honor of throwing a Flash Mob on Sullivan St. This street is the main street where the prostitutes stand. There are about 100 girls standing down this stretch of street and there are constantly, I mean CONSTANTLY cars lined up to check out these girls and pick up the ones they approve.

A little background, the girls get paid anywhere from 5-10 pesos (equivalent to around $0.30 – $0.60USD) per client. Double for unprotected sex and the pimps tell the girls to take those clients because it’s good money. Each girl owes her pimp 300 pesos each day and anything¬†left over is their’s. If we do the math, that’s around 30 clients per day. Almost impossible. There is a lot of mind control and greed in play. My fire for these girls was desperate.

As we set up the Flash Mob party station with hot chocolate, taco station, manicure & hand massage station for the girls, I grab a cup of hot chocolate and walk across the street to talk to the girls and see if they wanted one. I saw their pimp scanning the area and making sure his “merchandise” was safe. His face looked so hardened. I hear the Lord telling me to give the cup of hot chocolate to the pimp and I immediately say “NO!” but the Lord says again, ” Give it to him.” So I reluctantly agree because usually when the Lord asks to do something, He wants to release heaven through you. If he asks twice, you better get moving (haha). So I approach him and have a conversation with him in Spanish:

Me: hola.
Pimp: (ignores me and looks away)
Me: (angrily) Hola! Quiere chocolate caliente?
Pimp: No.
Me: come on!!! Hace frio no??? Tengo frio.
Pimp: sí. (Hesitantly takes hot chocolate)

This did something to me. I had a chance to love the pimp and humanize him. His name is Carlos! It was evident that he had to harden his heart to be in this industry. He’s internalized that he was a monster and beyond redemption and it showed in his physical appearance. I’m going to pray for him. God placed his love for his son in me as we chatted and connected on a very human level. We crossed paths twice more that night and he taught me a couple Spanish words. By the time I saw him again, his face completely changed! It was much softer somehow and much brighter. I felt the goodness of the Lord and his heart for Carlos as the Lord pointed out that he is simply a little boy who has been hurt and afflicted in the past. God loves Carlos so much. He is after his heart. Shame & darkness perpetuates shame & darkness but I will be like Christ and take those nails and say that he is a son and that he is worthy enough for God’s love. Who am I to judge? Through this humbling experience I’m even more convinced of our mission as Christians:

1. Love God
2. Love others

Through loving God, the overflow of his grace, love, and forgiveness gives us the ability to love others. But it’s from that place of stillness in the Lord’s presence that anything good can happen in us and through us. God is moving here. He wants to make beautiful things out of every single son and daughter he has created. I’m so blown away by this experience as I struggled in my own heart with judging the “unlovable” and “unforgivable”. I’m learning God’s heart for justice and how he is desperate to set the captives free. Captives who are enslaved to greed, control, shame, unforgiveness, deception, etc. He wants to reunite with his children. Hear the Father’s cry. He is waiting with abounding grace and arms wide open to receive those of his children who have been separated from Him. God bless you.

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